Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.