black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
You Might Also Like
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”