black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
You Might Also Like
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.