black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid questionMe from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!
Boss: GODDAMIT!
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
2022 will be better than 2021
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?