black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.