Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:

“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too

i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?

Lucky for them, they’re cute

So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao

My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson