Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]