Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

[at the hotel california]

me: i’d like to check out

desk clerk: alright, you’re all set

me: great, bye

desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave

me: then why did you let me check out

desk clerk: *shrugs*

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.

Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

W

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.

I’m not proud

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.