Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
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‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
city officials are like “those potholes are supposed to be there.”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.