Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

Me: Green please
God: All gone

Me: Hazel then
God: Also gone

Me: Blue
God: Gone

Me: Whatever, just make them big
God: Done

Me: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.

Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.

Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.

I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share