Black Friday “markdowns” like
You Might Also Like
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
This poor dog
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]