Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.

wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*

hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?

love you

ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??

Love you, dont worry about me

Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw

I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

Dear Kelloggs,

Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.

Sincerely,
Tired parents

[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]

For the ones in the back.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist