Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
You Might Also Like
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks