Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

The 6 types of sex

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

😞

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.