Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”

As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.

I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow

5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?

Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.

just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined

[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.

10: will be a teacher

5: a doctor

3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

judge: how can this be your defense?

me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement

me: raises hell

Hell: put me back down!

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?

Red Bull gives you wings.

Sugar Daddy gives you things.

Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.

True.

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

did it work

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.

Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.