You Might Also Like
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Whenever I sing by myself in the shower or the car, I sound like a pop star. But when I sing around other people, I sound awful. Clearly, other people’s ears must be the problem.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Webb. James Webb.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
