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Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
me: I like that this isn’t like a typical gym
cashier: you’re at a bakery miss
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.