Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.

every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences

I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.

. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.

After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.

“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:

“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”

And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]

“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice

Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

Teach your children to beatbox

i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.