black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
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{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
This fish is cracking me up
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William