black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
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My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Rambo Rambow
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
I’m sorry…what?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.