Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.