Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
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Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Mornin
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
You were the one.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.