[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.