Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

A Pun enters a room and kills 10 people…

Pun in, ten dead

Nurse: strip down to your underpants

Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.

*Gets dressed.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.

“don’t worry about a thing”

“why”

“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”

“what about all the big things”

“ooh forgot about big things”

I asked myself if I was the problem and we said no

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.

Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?

The invention of the 2nd telephone