Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

You need to let shit go.

~ Buddha

You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you

8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.

Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work

Cop2: Not a bit

Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in

Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD

[both get shot]

[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.

ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.

HIM: …Where’s the y?

OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!

ME: *Finger guns*

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.

Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.

Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Ha

what if cobwebs were delicious?

– cotton candy inventor

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?