Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶