Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
You Might Also Like
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
in HS I wanted to break up with a guy but figured it would leave fewer feelings hurt if I got the guy to break up with me. so invited him to sacrifice goats to the devil with me. took a whole 3 days before he finally said “we should talk” and I was like “I certainly hope so”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef