Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.