Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
You Might Also Like
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.