black phone good
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Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
i wish i could marry a nap