Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

famous: well-known for Good reasons

infamous: well-known for Bad reasons

therefore

flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons

inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school

just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake

friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids

me: they have sex 3 times

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.

Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.

Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”

– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]