Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times

-me during my whole shift

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*

-Medieval Brahs

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Some things are better left unsaid

Tequila – No they’re not

Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.

Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

Ok, I’ll bite

What’s an ab?

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.