Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

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If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?

Stranger: He’s over there!

Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]

cop: where u headed

me: chuck e. cheese. gonna fight the rat

cop: [handing me his gun] good luck

My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.

Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

My relationship advice?

Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

The Book. The Movie.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this

Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.

If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year

[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

Word.

~ Microsoft.

My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”

I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.