Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Knock Knock

Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.

I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.

Husband: How much did we spend?

Me:

Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.