@BuckyIsotope

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

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@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?

Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.

@LeaMehanna

I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out

@TheMichaelRock

Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting?

Me: Yes. I am awesome.

Boss….

Me: Write that shit down.

@NervousJr

I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.

@TheBoydP

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

@Freak_N_Geeky

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

@WilliamAder

If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.

@TheCatWhisprer

I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.