We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
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Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Boss: Anyone have anything else to add to this meeting?
Me: Yes. I am awesome.
Me: Write that shit down.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
I thought we were both kidding when we made plans for me to watch your kid.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.