@BuckyIsotope

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

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@Divergentmama

Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy.

Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

@KalvinMacleod

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

@ItsDanSheehan

The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.

@Borgore

Techno is like running on treadmill I think it’s been an hour but it was only 3 minutes

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

@Wussawilla

Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok

[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope

@Bearslietoo

The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….

@Coastiefish

I don’t know the lyrics to any of Pitbull’s songs, but in my defense, I’m not really convinced he does either.