Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.