Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy.
Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
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Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Techno is like running on treadmill I think it’s been an hour but it was only 3 minutes
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
Remember when you first joined twitter and you had no idea how to RT or what favstar was and remembered what your family looked like?
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Twitter birth control: airfare
The people you lose sleep over don’t lose sleep over you. So, help out and drunk dial them at 3AM….
I don’t know the lyrics to any of Pitbull’s songs, but in my defense, I’m not really convinced he does either.