You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
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“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
absolute chaos
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Writing, She Murdered.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.