Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
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Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I hope they boil the right one.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days