‘Black tie only’ was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people had worn shirts and pants, too.
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Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Frankenstein: “Oh yeah? Well, I’m going to write a story about you!”
And thus, Frankenstein’s not-so-popular Mary Shelley biography was born.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
This dude got his own movie?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore