@One_FineMess

Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

But a Pepsi drinker…

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@TheHyyyype

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

@bobvulfov

dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real

@TheMichaelRock

[trying to be the cool dad]

me: what is up lit fam

15yo: dad, please stop

me: what are the goals of your squad

@Jacob_Swift16

I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times

@CornOnTheGoblin

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

@RodLacroix

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: This cookie is too big please break it in half.

@bazecraze

People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.

@DiamondLou69

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.