I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.