Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish… It doesn’t matter. It’s all good.

But a Pepsi drinker…

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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.


dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real


[trying to be the cool dad]

me: what is up lit fam

15yo: dad, please stop

me: what are the goals of your squad


I put a life-size alien doll in my passenger seat for halloween and I’ve caught myself talking to it 3 times


“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR


Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: This cookie is too big please break it in half.


People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.


It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.