BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
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My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.