Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own

FRIEND: that sucks

ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work

[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]

Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”

Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”

Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”

I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.

That is why I don’t flirt

Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever

me:

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weird

Walking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”

– People who haven’t met me yet

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i never listen to u

HER: yes

ME: k see u tonight

[first day in prison]

me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open

guard: what

I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.