Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?