Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.

My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

“Hi, where do you have the books we can buy?”
“Unfortunately we don’t have any books for sale here.”
“Really? What kind of library is this?”
“The kind that’s not a bookstore?”

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.

The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.

mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE

I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

[gates of Valhalla]

ODIN: did you die in battle?

[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]

ME: ya