Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Printer ink is expensive
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Did I do this right
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.