Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
You Might Also Like
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…