Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona