Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha

My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.

Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.

You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?

[bum holds his hand out]

“can I have some change?”

change comes from within

“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.

“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”

Me: *leaves room

Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?

Me:

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

Daughter: *calling up the steps

Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.

Me: *appears wearing just a toga

All set.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am

My college professor:

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”