Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

“It’s not about the money.”

-people with money

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.

*Jumps out of bed

“Seize the day!!”

*Stubs toe

*Calls in sick

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.

We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”

Unpopular opinion

The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.

HER: have you decided where you’re going to live

ME: I’m still on the fence

HER: that’s why I asked

I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.

And then there were 4

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander

My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*

Her: We’re having twins!

Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating