Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
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Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Rich people don’t understand cereal
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.