Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.

“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

7yo son: May I have some water?

Me: What are the magic words?

7yo son: I can get it myself.

Me: There you go.

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”

when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction

THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap

2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.

2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.

2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.