Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
A – absolute
D – disaster
U – usually
L – looking
T – tired
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is