blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My first son he is wonderful
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst