blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
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classic mixup
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
There’s never enough good news
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”