Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.

Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this

HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

My mind is like a sponge.

It spends most of its time in filthy places.

My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?

Beyon-sleigh.

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”

My wife:

Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

Tomb = Toom

Womb = Woom

Bomb = Boom

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”