Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs

Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.

There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.

There’s also a horrible time.

Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*

Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.

One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.

[Everyday]

Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?

Hubs: what?

Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.

I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.