Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!

I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

[Prison visit]

Me: I finally have a date for my execution

GF: WHO IS SHE

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.

In banana years, I am bread.

Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode

Mom: More pie?

Me:

Mom:

Me:

Mom:

Me: Yes, obviously

It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.

One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*

The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.

WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?

I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up

I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches