Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
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*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
mood
Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.
Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive