blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
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Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Don’t you think today was just perfect?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a Flintstones themed wedding but was told no] I yabba dabba do not Sharon, tbh.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Bit chilly again tonight.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones