“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
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Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
It be like that sometimes 😆
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.