Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
more water
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes