Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Me: I have shark like reflexes

“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”

Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?

ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”

– My current favorite child

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions