Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.

“I swear to God I will turn this car around”

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–

*One contestant stands up*: I WON!

H: –ruin it.

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.