Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danger is very dangerous

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.

Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?

Biden: 😉

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

🤭

Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles

My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.

*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*

*I’m still not sure*

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken