*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
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Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
and now we wait
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
There’s always that one guy
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before