Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]

ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer

Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.

She said Johnnie.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.

I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.

My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them

My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?

OBAMA: How did you get this number?

My dog learned how to text

If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*

me in a relationship:

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures