[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Cardio Made Easy
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.