[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
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It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
this is the greatest thing ever
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Every full moon my house turns into a storage facility. It’s a werehouse.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Women are like buses, if you missed the last one, another will be along shortly to run you over.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Which knight can find anything?
Sir Chengine.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?