[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
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No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
When you’re here for the treats.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go