[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
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Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Not all heroes wear capes…
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured