blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.


When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.


Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?

Me: sure!

Husband: any ideas?

Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?


Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?


Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?


My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.

Oh wait that’s not my waiter.


I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.


me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval

date: that seems like a lot

me: parking garage actually

date: what

me: what


Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.