Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
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There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My Mexican waiter put my food down in front of another white lady who looked nothing like me. I get it now.
Oh wait that’s not my waiter.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
The 8 fell over and stayed there for infinity.
Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.