blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
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4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
what?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.