@dadmann_walking

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

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@heyitsJudeD

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

@OfficeofSteve

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

@IsoJoeJR

Day 2 without sports:

Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.

@Donnie_Fairburn

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

@excesstential

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

@girlnarly

[driving test]
me: *doing donuts*
instructor: what the hell?!
me: i thought i saw a cop

@smedlee

APOCALYPSE SURVIVOR: “We must conserve resources. Only people with useful skills! What’s yours?”
ME: “I write and want to dir–”
“GUNSHOT*

@Nips_00

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

@AaronFullerton

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

@Shade510

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.